Twas the night before Christmas, and all in the ward
The patients were screaming, the nurses were bored

The organs were hung by the chimey with care
In hopes that new viruses will be growing in there

The children were tied tight in there bed
The thoughts of the Doctor filling their head

The Doctor with her gloves, and tools of incision
And to the patient, she laughed "To hell with precision!"

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Which made the Doc jerk, and caused a big splatter

Away to the window, she flew like a flash
And who ever was in her way got a stab, cut or slash

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave lustre to the rotten corpses below,

And what to her blood splatter face to appear?
But a fat man being dragged by a bunch of reindeer...

And that tiny fat man looked so lively and quick,
The Doc started to wonder what made this guy tick

More rapid than cops his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

And with a great 'WHOOSH!" they took to the sky,
Then the Doc knew that "THE FAT MAN MUST DIE!"

To the top of the hospital, the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Whats-his-face too.


And then, in annoyance, Doc heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each fucking hoof.

Just when the Doc thought there wouldn't be more
The fat bastard fell from the chimey, and onto the floor

He was dress all in fur, from his head to his foot
And covered the tiles with ashes and soot

The jolly man stood, and his back gave a crack
Then he stretched, and he yawned, and went for his pack

His eyes did twinkle, and his dimples were...bizarre
And a pipe in his teeth, his lungs filled with tar

He started laying gifts out under the tree
And the Doc was suprised at how much coal she did see

The Doc was shocked and appalled! For she was no satan!
What about help she gave during organ donation?

And he was so hairy, Doc was sure he was covered in fleece!
How could he be living and so morbidly obese?

He went to the cookies, this jolly old elf
And ate six or seven, inspite of himself

His eyes grew wide, and he got light in the head
And the look on his face was something of dread

Doc spoke not a word, but got down to work
And got down to lifting the fat, jolly, jerk

So she layed a hook inside of his nose
Then with a great tug "On the stretcher you goes!"

Doc whistled and hummed, it was a beautiful sight
For she would be amused this cold winters night

And everyone heard as she wheeled him to the lab
"No one's safe, fat boy. Now onto the slab!"